15. March 2026
Trying to understand why
After my brother took his own life, I spent almost a decade wondering why.
He was living in Germany at the time and he died on January 10th, 1997.
The previous October, I had spent a week with him, and he had confided that he was seeing a psychotherapist – something I understood very little about at the time. I asked him why.
There is no doubt that my brother was academically gifted. He spoke many languages, had many qualifications and had risen to senior roles with his employer – a multi-national market research firm. He explained that he’d decided to focus on ‘sorting out his brain’ rather than embarking on another academic journey.
I asked what on earth he meant by sorting out his brain. He talked about emotional difficulties with relationships, which I found rather odd as he’d never exhibited any signs of this. Admittedly, depression runs in our family, but he had never seemed affected.
On leaving for home, he reassured me that the psychotherapy was simply an interesting exercise and asked me not to tell my parents. He said it would only worry them.
In December, my parents and I learnt he’d been signed off work with ‘exhaustion.’ He came home briefly for Christmas, went back to work for 24 hours in the new year, couldn’t cope and within days had ended his life.
Had our family depression/suicide gene struck him? Was it his environment? Or was it a combination of both.
Through my research, I learned that a single gene does not cause suicide. Other genetic and psychological factors, including serotonin regulation, impulse control, stress response and mood regulation, can significantly increase vulnerability. Together, these factors cause ‘polygenic risk,’ which can become evident through conditions such as depression or substance abuse. These conditions are often hereditary and occur in most suicides.
I was then introduced to the topic of ‘epigenetics’ - the study of how environment factors, such as trauma, stress or adverse life events, influence our genes by changing the chemicals attached to them. So, a combination of genetic, psychological and environmental factors can create a ‘perfect storm’ that results in suicide.
This made some sense in relation to my brother. We have the family history of depression and suicide. His life in Germany wasn’t happy, either professionally or personally. He yearned to go back to Africa – a land of sunshine and hope, where he had spent four happy years. We later learnt of financial issues due to poor investments and that he had refused medication from his psychotherapist.
His death was not an impulse. It was planned meticulously. He left four notes giving a personal account of his reasons to the different people or groups of people in his life. We learnt that he had been quietly fighting demons for many, many years.
But no amount of explanation really answers the question why. We must each work through our own grief cycle until we find our own rationale and acceptance. I finally found mine. Partly through research, but mainly by coming to believe that he had made his own choice for his reasons and that I must respect it.
I learnt many things from this experience. The importance of recognising mental health issues in oneself and in others. The importance of speaking out and seeking help. The importance of providing sensitive support even when you don’t understand what is happening.
Given my time again and knowing what I know now, I would have been seriously concerned about my brother’s explanation for why he was having psychotherapy. I would have recognised there was something deeper going on. I would have told my parents, so we could have collectively tried to support him.
But we can’t change that past.
Which brings me to feeling immensely grateful that I appear to have been spared the curse of my family’s bad genes – they are mainly on my maternal side, and I am ‘my father’s daughter.’ I can also be grateful that I can channel my experience of grief and acceptance into supporting others.
Image courtesy of Evan Dennis on Unsplash